I'm feeling better, and here's why

yes this is from a few months ago, but I didn't take any pictures of myself last week, and I haven't showered yet today.

• we're getting our new car this weekend, which means I will finally have my own set of wheels and I can leave my house more than a few times a week.

• out of the blue I had some old friends and new friends call me to hang out. I have so needed girl time, and it couldn't have been better timing. Thanks ladies!

• Tom, my dad, and my brother-in-law Andy went to see Daniel Johnston last week. I love going to rock shows, and this guy was particularly entertaining to watch and listen to.

• I'm feeling hope in the hope department.

• I went to a baby shower for a girl that lives around the corner from me and whom I've never met. It was awkward at first, I sat pretty close to my mom, but after she opened the smocked dress I made for her baby, and passed it around, I was a hit. I'm hoping I finally broke the ice.

• I had some nice long phone conversations with some of my good friends. This always cheers me up!

• After two weeks of no sugar and flour, I finally had a day of indulgence. Sugar cookies, fried scones, easter candy...I still have a hangover.

• I had a nice weekend of relaxation, family time, and spiritual uplifting.

• I registered for more violin teaching training this June. I really think this is what I need to re-motivate myself, make connections, and finally get going.

• I just bought tickets for Death Cab!

• I have a few playdates for myself and Luke scheduled for this week, and I can't wait!

My mind races...

at the worst time, 11pm, every night this week.

I blame it on Gilmore Girls. I made the mistake of watching the last two episodes right before bed a few days ago. Too much, too late. I didn't sleep for at least two hours. Lots of crying, lots of laughing, lots of mourning. And this scene, I just can't seem to stop replaying it in my head complete with the "la la la's". The end really was perfect. And how much do I love the Obama Gilmore tie? It's so meant to be.

But no, this isn't the only thing keeping me up. My irrational takes over my rational, and it doesn't stop until my body is just too exhausted to keep up.

2. Why do I always feel like I am being tailed living here. I don't drive slow, in fact I usually drive just above the speed limit. But there is ALWAYS a car just a few feet behind me.

3. How is it that I can exercise, sweat, drink gallons of water, and my body either gets bigger or stays the same? But the second I cut out refined sugars and flour, I finally see something change. It's so frustrating.

4. When am I not going to feel so isolated and lonely living here? and I'm still waiting for that moment, that "ah ha" when I know moving back was the right decision.

5. Is there a future for Rory and Logan? I have heard that if they were going to come back for an 8th season there was talk he might too. He really grew on me, and I was a Jess fan.

6. Death Cab for Cutie. They are coming out with a new album, which means they will be touring soon, which makes me really happy. I have a thing for Ben.

7. I have been struggling to figure out how to be the right kind of support to those I love. How do I provide hope to those that don't have any?

8. Another reason I can't wait for summer. I want to see a good movie!! Indiana Jones, Clone Wars, Batman, I have high hopes for all of you. 

9. Why can't I seem to get going on teaching violin? I have really been procrastinating this. I guess I feel a little bit overwhelmed when I think about how much I have to do to get started. And let's be honest, I would rather sew.

10. And spring dresses. I have so many ideas, I just don't have patterns to make them. If I take this pattern, do this to it, alter it a little here, and there...I actually think about this all day, not just at night.

Surprisingly though, I get really tired in the middle of the day and have no problem sleeping when I should be doing a lot of these things.

Woes

Not much has been going on around here. I don't have anything interesting to report or say, and lately I seemed to be consumed only by the fact we are leaving in two weeks. The boxes are piling up, my apartment is slowly losing our stamp, and every night I seem to sob uncontrollably. I know things won't be so bad when once we get into the swing of things, but the leaving thing, I just don't think I can do it. I keep imagining myself on the plane as it flies above Brooklyn, straining my eyes through the tears just so I can get one last look at the city. It's torture, and I really need to stop.

There are many things that I am looking forward to though. Our refrigerator broke a month ago and for the last month we have only been able to buy enough food to keep in this cooler.  Unfortunately we have to replace the fridge before we leave, and believe me there are many other things I would prefer to spend that money on, especially since we won't be there to enjoy it.

But in reality, what we did have wasn't much bigger. An under the counter fridge seemed like a great idea for the space, but the icebox that only holds a couple of pint size Ben & Jerry's will not be missed.

And of course a nursery, or at this point a bedroom for Luke. I do admit I love waking up to his smile every morning, but being able to read a book in bed, or not having to tiptoe to bed in the dark will be oh so nice.   And just a place, not in the living room, for all of his toys.  We kept his toys to a minimum, until this Christmas. They all fit too nicely inside the cabinet, so nicely that I never wanted to take them out. It takes at least 15 minutes to carefully arrange them just to shut the door. But now, his Christmas is still all over the living room floor. And my only solution is a moving box.

And a parking spot. It has been so nice to have a car here, to not feel trapped in the city, but a driveway, or even a garage, life would be so much easier. I have become quite a pro at parallel parking, but that's not the worst part about it. The street sweeping 4x's a week. I have to move my car four different times just so the city can attempt to keep the streets tidy. And then trying to find a spot, or double parking for the hour and a half, only to move it back. And driving home at night, circling around and around for a half an hour just to find a spot four blocks away. Oh the things everyone takes for granted.

And honorable mentions. The tiny tiny bathroom with the tiny cabinet that everything falls out of every time I open it. The three cupboards I have for all of my food,dishes, bowls, etc. I can't wait to shop at Costco and be able to buy something that I can have room for longer than a week.  A table. Something  we can sit at for dinner that doesn't face the wall. A place for my sewing machine that isn't on the same 12 inch wide counter I eat at. My machine needs a weekly clean from the my nightly food splatters. A closet that actually fits my clothes. I like to purge, but I have to practically get rid of something to buy something.

But these are all really my sorry attempts to help me feel good about moving. In reality, we all sacrifice these things to live here.  Some days it's worth it and other days its not. I guess I will have to re-read this post every time I get sad. And when I just can't take it, I'll go on holiday.   

Eight is great

I've been inspired to post my new year goals after reading so many of my fellow blogger friends' resolutions.  I'm also hoping that by posting these I will actually accomplish them, I mean I don't want to let you guys down. So I've narrowed them down to eight. Eight that seem realistic and achievable, but not without some work.

1. Live by a budget & eliminate all debt.
    I am great at setting budgets, but I never keep them. This year
    we want to be financially free.

2. Become well informed on all current world affairs.
    I am now 30 and need to be up on more than just what
    celebrities are wearing.

3. Be ok with leaving New York.
     I'm not just leaving the city behind but the life we have
     created for ourselves here.

4. Pray on my knees morning and night.
    This is on my list every year, and for a good reason too.

5. Have a baby.
    This is proving to be difficult.

6. Start teaching violin & join a symphony.
    New York has sucked the violin right out of my life and I have   
    missed it dearly.

7. Create a 3 year plan for my prospective business, & get on it.
     Yes, clothing will be involved.

8. Make an educated, un-biased vote for the presidential election.
     Just because I will be living in Utah doesn't necessarily mean I
     will be voting for Romney.

I need a boss

Someone I can report in to. Someone who will reprimand me for spending half of my day on ebay, blogs, sewing, and other time wasters. I used to be that someone. I was the boss, the schedule maker, the enforcer.  Maybe I was too strict, maybe I needed a break.

But a year off is enough, I'm done. I'm done not being able to fall asleep at night because I worry I didn't play enough with Luke, or work on my at home business venture, or practice my violin. I am going to manage myself.

I've created a schedule. A schedule for my day, and a schedule for my week. I don't imagine it will be set in stone, but it will give me some structure. Structure to stop talking and start doing.

This is how today will hopefully go.

7-8     running, switched to Friday
8-9     shower, Luke watches Finding Nemo
9-10    house work
10-11   computer time: blog post, work on business idea
11-12   Lunch 
12-1    Lukey time  <insert activity>
1-2     practice violin, Luke sleeps
2-3     work on teaching curriculum, Luke sleeps
3-4     Lukey time <insert activity>
4-5     Lukey time "                  "
5-6     start dinner
6-7     dinner
7-8    Luke bedtime
8-      sewing, catching up on tv shows, etc.

This is only day two of my experiment, I'm keeping an open mind. I am also hoping that this will kick me into doing some of the bigger goals I set for 2007 that will now be moved into 2008: taking a night class at FIT, joining a symphony, and finally teaching violin.